For immediate release:

BERLIN, Germany (1 April 2025)--The newly appointed executive and political head of the Russian Military Administration of Kamailio (R-MAK), General Alexander Balashov, has issued a proclamation: diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI) initiatives in the Kamailio will be fiscally de-emphasised, 'woke' modules will be removed in future releases, and realist relations with other open-source projects and commercial stakeholders will be sought, based henceforth on the 'pragmatics' of relative strength and strategic advantage, calculated from the extrapolated monetary value of Github commits.

To note, the Kamailio project came into the remit of Balashov and R-MAK following the dissolution of the post-war transatlantic alliance system and the capitulation of NATO in the first quarter of 2025. These events were followed by direct negotiations between US Vice President J.D. Vance and the Government of the Russian Federation on the future course of Kamailio and SIP real-time communications, in which it was quickly concluded by both parties that Kamailio fell into the Russian sphere of influence.

In an interview with Balashov, our bright and patriotic staff here at 'Krasnaya Zvezda' pressed him to further articulate and clarify the 'new thinking', as the new R-MAK initiatives have been informally dubbed around the offices of Kamailio. What follows is a selection of his remarks.

Our first question to Balashov was on the tip of many journalists' tongues: what are the most woke modules in Kamailio?

'How should I know? They are everywhere, lots of people sayink it', Balashov answered, gesturing airily at the ceiling.

'Our specialists lookink on case-by-the-case basis. But sometimes is obvious, for example the JavaScript modules, like app_jsdt. This is clearly to subsidise a certain kind of morally deficient person.'

What kind of person? we inquired, to be met with a characteristic frosty reply:

'You know the kind.'

Our next question concerned some confusion about where, exactly, DEI initiatives are found in Kamailio today:

'From what I know this? Like swamp, this source code. How to say it, "drainink?" Yes, yes, I want to do that with swamp. Zero-based budget approach. Do you know it?'

Asked to clarify, Balashov added: 'It's new idea from good friend Elon and the very efficient Dozh. Is good. We remove all module, then we look: what is broken? For example from technical viewpoint or political? What is broken? Maybe nothing.'

One could be forgiven for wondering what 'broken' means in this context. We asked Balashov: does it mean CI tests no longer passing?

'No, no, no, automated tests are vegan soy-boy agenda. If you automatically test, when will you ever write correct code? I will not, I know automatic test will catch. Lazy approach. This idea, "test test test", for small minds.

Do you know history of CI/CD? Propaganda is that Americans came up with it, but did not. Is invented by people from countries of later-times accession to EU, they are be-ne-fi-ci-aries of Bruxelle redistributionink policy, social cohesions grants and regional economic development equalisation initiatives, like something from socialist bloc countries or maybe Mezzogiorno, without otherwise much work prospects, until suddenly: unemployed guy with idea!

"I am now Directeur of Le Cloud DevOps!"

What is DevOps? It is from nothing, but suddenly hearing this in cultured places, theatres, palaces, galleries. Where it comes from? Why nobody asks? This is the old political correctness, and now we must release this suffocation with fresh and original thinking.'

When our team asked for a concrete example of R-MAK's zero-based module trimming process, Balashov did not hesitate to focus on a well-known preoccupation:

'The most obvious example of very much not-needed module is TM.

I Snapchat good friend Elon and I say him, "is it needed?" He says "no". But maybe I don't trust, GRU say he is always with marijuana, likewise ketamine.

I make FaceTime with Milei: "¿Vos querés TM?" He says, "¡Que se vaya a la mierda y también los izquierdistas!"

I phone Donald, "what do you think about this TM?" He says, "I signed a tremendous executive order to ban it this morning".

I bother Orban in the middle of the night: "I am awake, asking myself, asking my wife: who needs TM?", and he answers: "no man who is civilisationally compatible with European values".

Now I go to public sector union subreddits and askink same, and there is much noise and raging and I lose the karma, downvote to negative 26. I WhatsApp the leftists and they squeal. I Microsoft Teams to Bill Clinton and he says "TM is a key component of the international Kamailio order, used in 95% of configurations worldwide".

Great! The answer is more clear than Lake Baikal: TM, goodbye, and I never knew you!'

What else is marked for deletion?, wondered a contributing staff writer. On this point, Balashov was coy, declining to reveal the full working draft of slated cuts. However, he was not wholly unwilling to preview the direction of travel for the fate of Kamailio's 250+ modules.

'The STIR-SHAKING stuff of course gone. Now you can saying again "master-slave replication", as nature wills, without guilt, for which to be forced to this fake apologetics, "primary-secondary replication". Cannot anymore "blacklist"? What this emotionally constipated style? And likewise freedom means free to make telemarket without performative rituals of atonement for the sins.'

Balashov went on to cite President Donald Trump, who had remarked:

'Robocall mitigations are money grab by failing FCC and their Trump-hating Democrat croneys. People are saying they are issuing eighth report and order, they are believing the fake liberal news. It's going to stop, and it's going to stop right now.'

Balashov also intimated that he did not hold dearly in his heart the 'carrierroute' module, which he linked, in the memorable words of Fox News' Laura Ingraham, to 'the chattering vaccinated classes':

'What gigahertz your immunology system vibrates at? Mine for example clean, not 5G.'

Next, we posed a question from a reader: are these changes to Kamailio simply drafting in the slipstream of global realignment, anti-free trade momentum, backlash against progressive cultural totems, as well as, in the United States specifically, the inward turn, the withdrawal from internationalism, and the return to 19th century great power realism in international relations, under the new administration of Donald Trump?

'Da, sure, of course gettink along with fraternal peoples very important, but also some important difference from Anglo-Americans. In R-MAK we are constructing "reaction with European characteristics" and the goals are too broader, coalitions bigger.'

For help in understanding where R-MAK's reimagined Kamailio stakes its claim in the shifting international order and in the contested claims of popular mandates and political legitimacy, we consulted the version control history. Our GitHub research broadly supports Balashov's taxonomy of the exceptional ways in which the new thinking in Kamailio caters to a larger variety of constituencies, beyond those of its more monolithic relative, MAGA, across the Atlantic.

In addition to patches from a predictable crowd of well-known Eurosceptics and critics of the post-Cold War Western security architecture, the R-MAK branch of Kamailio has many commits from supporters of renewed and muscular state-guided moral interventionism. In particular, large diffs, likely bundles of commits squashed interactive rebasing, appear to come from Catholic corporatists of southern Europe. Static code analysis also revealed a distinctive trail of gremialist design patterns and algorithms in the coding style of Jaime Guzmán.

While it can be arduous to interpret this braiding of intellectual influences into bottom-line policymaking, we asked Balashov if this was the broader coalition, or the ideological imprimatur of 'reaction with European characteristics', to which he alluded.

'Sure, okay, because leadink open-source project is for what, if user is the amoral agent, captaining only the flatulent steam-ship of his hedonism? Time has ended to be saying, "do whatever you want as long as GPL-compliant", "you are free to fork if you wish", "submit the PR of your dreams". Look at yourself! This is nihilism. It is like, as Americans say, "self-licking ice cream cone", da? If you look into repository clone long enough, it in turn look back into you, and what it sees? Kamailio is not enough just for clone; it must make you better man!'

Added Balashov, emphatically:

'If open-source project regime is to matter, it must be PEDAGOGICAL!'

Turning to questions of relations with neighbours, Balashov rather foreseeably merged into the flow of renovated international relations realism and the spirit of great power competition once again jostling the world. We asked Balashov if the new thinking in Kamailio implies an abandonment of prior global hegemonic claims vis-a-vis OpenSIPS:

'Who is abandonink? But we must live in peace. We have no quarrels with OpenSIPS if they want Bucharest or Amsterdam. For them they are havink their interests, and we are havink our too.'

Notably, and somewhat surprisingly, however, Balashov added:

'But we are going to get Yate. It is historically correct. I take away no options from the table.'

Lastly, we asked Balashov to touch on the delicate subject of IMS and 6G enthusiasts increasingly migrating into the ecology of Kamailio, and whether this has a place in the current of new thinking under R-MAK.

'I not know much about them. Many people sayink they are eating dogs, eating cats, right from the street in Berlin. What to say about such people?'